Wednesday, April 19, 2006
I have really begun to wonder about myself. I hate to complain, but I feel that somehow I've failed myself at some point. I'm not where I want to be right now, and I'm questioning why that is, why I haven't been able to start to accomplish what I really want. I guess I should be glad that I have a job and I don't have a bunch of mess with that job, but I can't help but think that college was a waste of my time. I haven't been able to find a job in the field that I'd gone into, but many people don't do what they went to school for.

I think that, deep down inside, I still haven't figured out what I want to do with myself. I don't know if i should bother trying to get into graphic design, or if I should pursue a different vocation. I feel like the time I spent trying to establish my identity and figure out who I am, I should have been figuring out what I want to do. I tried to do both, but for some reason, I couldn't just start something. Maybe I was afraid that I would lose something or that I would fail, but what was the benefit to holding on to that fear when it hasn't gotten me what I really wanted, even if I don't know what that fear is?

I guess because I'm getting older, I'm starting to get scared that I won't be able to do for myself. I want to be able to support myself. People have been telling me for the longest time to stay at home as long as possible, but there are compelling reasons for me to leave, mostly the fact that my family can't really exist under one roof without tension and drama being present. It's also because I've become exactly what they're afraid I'd be, and I know that once they find out my secret, I'll either be kicked out on my ear or they'll try to "cure" me. People say I should just come out to them and be totally honest, but because of all that happened in my childhood and their tendency to try and fix everything that went wrong 20 years ago, I know there'll be much guilt. That, and I've lived a lie for the last few years. This is the reason why I've had to keep my friends and my family separate, and why I feel that I'm betraying them, knowing that I can't give them the future that they expect and that I am something that I know they hate. My mother even told me that was her biggest fear about me, and that she knows that it could never be possible.

What do you do when your living your mother's worst nightmare?

What do you do when you start to feel like it's becoming your nightmare?

I've already talked about how I don't want to like anyone else. I've said it before, but I feel like it's caused me more pain than I can really stand. I've felt rejected, I've felt like I'm just chasing my tail, and as much as I want to give up wanting, I can't. I'm serious when I say that I don't want to like anyone else. I DON'T WANT TO LIKE ANYONE!!!! I don't want to long for it anymore. I've had my heart stomped on too many times, and I feel like I'm seen as inadequate.

I don't want to take a chance on anyone else. I don't want to go through it again.

Why do I feel like, if I could somehow stop being attracted to other guys, my life would be simpler? I wouldn't have this feeling that I could be kicked out at any time. I wouldn't be afraid to leave my computer, even though I'm very cautious about it. I wouldn't have to deal with the rejection and the harshness. I know it's not really feasible...

...but I've got to try.

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