Thursday, August 11, 2005
RANT: Fangirls, Part One

There are people that can take something that actually rules and kill it by making it so trendy that you can't get away from it. I remember when RPGs were cool, or even when cosplaying as a character was something significant. Now, I've forever been poisoned against Final Fantasy X-2 because all the fangirls having kittens over it, as well as every girl under the age of 17 that feel the need to run around as Gunner Yuna (The ACen skit that had 20 of the X-2 girls lipsynching and dancing to the song is forever burned into my corneas). I also remember the days that you could go to Hot Topic and NOT see a bunch of 12-year-olds and their parents. There truly is something disturbing about seeing some middle schooler making her parents buy her bondage pants. See, when I first discovered the store, it was still obscure and still sold Sailormoon stuff (That's also when I first learned about Bettie Paige). It was about seven years ago, at a mall in Atlanta. Now, they're everywhere, and all the little teenyboppers that used to be about Abercrombie (Which is the haven for skinny, bitchy gay boys) are into Hot Topic.

I blame Avril Lavigne...

Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Lately, I've seen the dissolution of several relationships that seemed to be strong and lasting, and it really scares me. Everyone seemed to be so happy just a few months ago; now, it seems like the feelings that blossomed so brightly in the spring light has gone dark as the summer reaches its end. Emotionally, I was caught up in all of the feelings that everyone else had. But, as I reflect on these feelings of loneliness and envy that I once had, I'm relieved that I didn't go running after someone just because I had such a powerful longing. Then I consider my own situation.

Is it realistic to think that I can carry on the type of relationship that I desire while in my current home situation? I know I'd have to be very secretive with my family, and it seems like we already don't trust each other as it is. But I know that I can't be open with them now. I can't tell them the real reason why I have been the way that I have without risking further alienation. It almost seems like it would make my life much easier, but, in all practicality, things would only be thrown further into complication. My mom's already told me that it's her greatest fear, and I've had to lie about it before.

But it seems as if they've known since Anime Central.

There are too many signs that point to "Yes, we know, but don't want to outright tell you". I noticed a change in my family since I came back from that Chicago trip. My mom mentioned something to me about seeking therapy for my "unresolved issues", and my sister didn't talk to me for about a week when I got back. I'm thinking that, if they know, then they may think it's only a phase, or that it's just me acting out from my old childhood trauma. What really convinces me that they know more than they're saying is because I outright say it in a paper that I wrote for a psychology class, but left on the top shelf of my closet. Probably while trying to find computer paper when I was out of town, one of them stumbled across it. Coincidentally, the title of the paper was "An Unresolved Issue"...

I almost want to tell them outright, but if I'm wrong about my suspicions, then I may well risk being thrown into the street, which is what my mother used to tell me she'd do to me if I didn't do what she wanted me to. I think that's why I stayed with the family's religion so long, because I was afraid that if I didn't follow it, I'd be kicked out. But, I don't follow it anymore (Though I think the reason I still have a home is that I haven't done anything that, in their minds, is extreme and that would warrant me getting kicked out, like practicing paganism). My trouble is that I've felt like I've been on thin ice with my family for the last few years. I felt that it was only a matter of time before they gave me the boot. I think that's why I've needed to leave home so badly, but considering the fact that I can't even find part-time work, I don't see that happening anytime soon. I don't want to impose on any of my friends, so I continue to do what I must to get through the day.

Given all of these facts, I've decided to give up on looking for someone right now. I can't afford to get kicked out of my house, and I don't want to bring anyone else into my life when I'd either have to end the relationship or I wouldn't be happy while in it. Until I'm in a place where I wouldn't be risking the roof over my head because of who I love, I have to go a little longer without affection.

One day, I'll be able to have the relationship that I long for, and it will be a lasting one. However, basic necessities trump romance. Besides, I've been homeless before, and I can't fit all of my posessions into an unlockable truck...

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