Sunday, July 24, 2005
Is it possible to have conditioned yourself so that you equate flirting as trying to scare people?

Is it normal to think that, somehow, you don't deserve affection?

I think I've managed to convince myself that showing affecton is a scare tactic, that no one could ever think of me as more than a friend or just someone creepy. Tonight, I was kinda hitting on someone, and I kept saying that I was only doing it because I was making them "die a little on the inside". Is it that I'm just making myself out to be scary to keep from getting hurt, because I still don't believe that I'm attractive to anyone? I know that's not true, but it seems like I'm slipping back into old defense mechanisms, and I don't want to feel like that. Still, I wish I could just talk to someone without it being a joke, that I could seriously flirt with someone and show them that I like them without me bullying them or having to just play it off as a joke. I think it goes back to me never really being in places where I have actual opportunities to be genuinely romantic and flirty.

But I have to break myself of thinking that I don't deserve affection or to be affectionate. I know that everyone does, and I've never done anything to warrant not having it. I still feel like I'll be the only one left when everyone else is paired off, but I know that feeling will pass.....

I think tonight is a moment of weakness for me. Old feelings have begun to resurface, but I know I can come out on top of my old demons.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005
This morning, I learned something about my nephew that really bothered me, that his mother has been letting him play a copy of Grand Theft Auto that he got from one of his friends. Unsurprisingly, he said he wanted to be a drug dealer, and his stepfather had to have a long talk with him about it. Now, I know he likes to do things to be like other boys, but at 12, he's an impressionable boy and doesn't need to play such games. I don't play stuff like that, and I'm 23!

But what really annoyed me is how i came about finding out about it. My mom and aunt were in my room this morning, and my aunt was complaining about her daughter. My mom then told my aunt what she knew, but turned to me and told me not to say a word. Yeah, like I'm going to run up on my cousin and give her a hard time about letting her son play GTA. So, apparently, that was something I wasn't supposed to know. Frankly, I didn't need to know if it's like that.

I realized something: My family always does this to me. They'll be talking to each other, then tell me something that I'm not supposed to know. Fine, don't bloody tell me, then! In fact, I don't want to hear about anyone's drama, especially family drama. My cousin caused the first 20-odd years of my life to be one big soap opera, and the New York ho (My other cousin, yes I called her a ho) actually drove me away a few years ago because I realized just how much of a controlling harpy my mother could be (More on that later). My mother tells me that I don't need to be involved in my friends' mess, and that's true. But she also told me that I'm supposed to focus on my family instead. Focus on what? Catering to her and my sister and getting involved in the drama of the rest of my extended immediate family? I don't think so! I'm not even supposed to hear about it, so don't say it in front of me. I hate to sound evil, but I only deal with my cousin when I need something, which is her dealings with me, and I go out of my way to avoid my other relatives. My point is, I've already decided I don't need my friends' drama, and I certainly don't need my family's, either. Maybe I sound selfish, but I've got my own life to lead, I frankly don't care to get involved with their conflicts, especially when everything is supposed to be one big secret.

Sunday, July 17, 2005
After really thinking about it, I can honestly say that I'm tired of re-hashing the same drama over and over again. I don't even want to think of it anymore, and I don't really care to discuss the same issues that have been discussed since last year. Many of the people I'm around are so caught up in being self-absorbed and immature that they can't see that there's a great big world out there where other things besides anime, video games and cosplay exist. I don't think it's any of them, though. I think that I've just hit a rut in my life, I can't seem to get myself out of the same cycle, and I'm ready for a change. I think that part of it is that I need to take initiative and make some changes, because I can want others to change all I want to, but unless I'm willing to change, then there's no point. S0 I need to widen out and meet new people, I need to get myself into new social situations and make some new friends who aren't into all of the same things as most of the people I deal with.

I think it's partially that I find myself changing. Truth be told, I've never really been heavily into the same things as most of the people I'm around. I like anime, but I don't have any series where I'm a diehard fanatic, and I don't really have much. I like games, but am not willing to shell out a bunch of money on a new system when I have eight others that don't get my attention. And I like to cosplay, but money issues and the fact that I don't go to cons often kinda keep me from being too in to that. I'm just looking for something new, but that's what most of the people I hang out with are into, so it's hard to figure out what to do that's different. I'd love to check out plays, go to different social events, or even take up a new skill like a martial art or acting (Not such a new one, but I never felt like I really did much in theatre in high school despite being in two plays senior year). I'd love to travel to different locations or go to events that aren't conventions. I want to break out of my shell, but how do I? How can I break from the ordinary and expand my horizons??

I think it's also that I just never really felt like I fit in anywhere. From the time I was young, there was always something about me that was different from others, even if it wasn't a major difference. Even now, I'm starting to feel like people don't really understand me and that, somehow, they see me at this surface level. Since ACen, my entire personality has changed. I'm nowhere near as affectionate as I used to be with people. I used to love to hug and glomp on people, but now....I'm not so willing to be that way because I felt that those actions should be saved for someone that feels the same way about me. I think all the affection I used to show was a displacement for me not having someone special in my life. I'd always wanted someone, but for some reason, I just lost a hold of myself and started being overly affectionate with everyone to compensate, even though people often weren't comfortable with me (And I still don't feel like they are, truthfully). I think one reason I don't fit in is because, in all the circles that I'm in, there are no other people my own race, and that's not necessarily a good thing. I think that none of my friends can really understand what I've been through as far as being African-American. I don't think they can ever know what it's like to have to go through some of what I've been through because of racism and prejudice. But I'm not trying to say that no one else has ever been through anything, because I'm not that presumptuous. It's just that they can't know what my experience has been because of my most apparent genetic qualities. My mom tried to psychoanalyze me a few months back because I told her this, but she didn't understand that it was never my intention, that's just how things happened. It wasn't like I tried to avoid making friends of my own race, but the people that befriended me and had the similar interests happened to be of different etnicities than myself. I don't go out of my way to avoid making friends with other Black people, I just don't know of too many that like the same things I like and aren't on this trip of a certain level of "blackness" that has to be upheld.

I think that something else that people don't quite grasp is the fact that I like other guys. They can't understand that I am not into girls and that having me go out to flirt with girls, or "hooking me up with some p***y" are not things I really need. I know some of my friends mean well, and don't quite grasp the concept that there are people that are attracted to the same gender (One in particular is very religious and has only recently been around other people outside his family and church). But it kinda bothers me when people are always joking about how I'm going to jump them. I don't like every guy I come across, and I certainly wouldn't get with any of the Michigan Cosplayers because, frankly, most of them are trolls. I don't want someone that's socially inept and unwashed, and I kinda don't go for fanboys. I also don't want to go after someone that I know I can't have, but that's beside the point. I just don't want to be seen as this clingy person that falls in love with anyone with a certain level of testosterone in their system. But I've discussed this ad nauseum, so...

Friday, July 15, 2005
I've been talking to someone that I met at Anime Central, one bright spot that weekend that I'd been too caught up in self-misery to realize. The one with the sexy face, pretty eyes, and that kiss with enough electricity to light up Vegas for a thousand nights! Well, it turns out that the situation's changed, and I'm really looking forward to our next convention together. We may live far apart, but I'm sure that when we see each other, it'll be like we were only apart for a day.

I didn't realize it, but I'm finally over my old crushes. Yeah, I still think one is cute, and the other, well, I still I'm sure we can get back to being friends, but with this guy, there's now something there that wasn't before: a mutual attraction. He actually said he liked me before I said anything, and even made the first move on me! So, am I to sit there pining for someone that doesn't like me, or flirt and, eventually, spend time with someone that does? The answer's simple!

I'm not going to fall hard, and I'm not exactly looking into where we'd adopt kids. I'm still going to stay single for a while, and I'm not going to start parading this around for everyone to see. But if I wind up in Illinois because of work, then I'll definitely call him up for dinner.....

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