Sunday, May 29, 2005
To the one who had my heart, I have been trying to get over you, but I needed to speak to you about what happened. I have tried to tell myself that I had to save my dignity and not discuss what happened anymore. I told you how I really felt, and you already knew...but you decided that you didn't want to give us a chance, that you had too many people on your mind then. I wish you'd told me before I made such a fool over you, when I didn't think you even knew what was in my heart. Then, to see you go on like nothing happened hurt me, because I was too concerned with ruining out friendship to ever bring it up. But, I want to let you know of a few things. Number one, I could barely deal with seeing you two together. Two nights after you turned me away, I saw you and him together at the coffee house, you hanging on to his every word. It was like a burning dagger had gone through my soul because I saw how you'd felt about him, how strong your feelings were for him and how I'd felt the same way about you. I saw it every time you two were together, and that was the first time I felt my heart shatter into a thousand shards because of it. I wanted to get to the freeway and let the tears wash away my pain that night. Since then, it hasn't been the same seeing you. I'm reminded of how you long for an impossible love, just like I did. I know he'll never go for you. He'll never treat you the way I could have because his heart will never be yours. In a way, I feel pain for you because I know that you'll either never reveal your true feelings to him, or if you do, he would turn you away.

To my other lost beloved, you are still young and inexperienced with life. I believed that there was something between you and I, but what I saw as a special connection was merely friendship. I wanted to badly for you to like me that I didn't think that you wouldn't be ready for a relationship. But I realized that I have to let you live your life. I can't hold you down and expect you to commit to me, especially with the uncanny situation that we are both in. I still feel strongly for you, but I cannot expect you to feel the same about me, no matter how powerful my feelings are.

To the both of you, I have to keep you out of my heart. I want to be friends with you, but I can no longer risk feeling for something for you when there is nothing there. It would be useless for me to keep longing for either of you, because I don't want to go through the same situation, to love and never have that love returned. I have to keep you at arms length now because I have to protect myself.

I don't know if I will ever be loved, or if I can ever love again. I don't know if there really is someone out there that will want me. I have to believe that there is, but after what happened, my belief is dying. I feel a part of myself slipping away, and I don't know if I can ever get back the faith I had in love.

Once again, I have to carry on. But how long before I finally fall apart???

Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Again, I write my feelings down in my blog, where I know that no one will accuse me of being emo because my last few LJ posts have been less than upbeat. I think it's safe to say that one of my goals for Anime Central was not attained. It was because, for most of the weekend, no one tried to hit on me. I mean, I was surrounded by about 12,000 people, and not one of them tried to talk to me. I figured that maybe one or two would try and step to me, but no one did. And I've felt absolutely horrid since I came home. Mostly because I was miserable pretty much the entire time I was out of town. In all honesty, it would have been so much better if I had not been surrounded by so many people, many of them attractive and even scantily clad. And I did have some fun; I managed to do things that I never would have done before (Masquerade) and some that have, so far, become my signature (Spicing things up in the yaoi panel). But it all feels empty. All the camera flashes and con swag can't erase the pain that I feel right now. Everyone tells me that I need to be patient, that love will find me once I stop looking for it. But I can't get it out of my head. It haunts me in my dreams, and it kills my mood when I'm awake.

I finally admitted to Chrissy that there are some people in the Wings' Night crew that I find attractive. But I think I've given up hope finding anyone among anime fans. I just don't think I'm what most otaku find attractive. I'm not Asian. I'm not thin. I don't have androgynous features and I don't look good running around completely shirtless. In all other respects, I have plenty to offer anyone that is looking for an honest, affectionate guy, but physically, I just don't make the grade.

Perhaps I'm just not looking in the right places? Maybe it's that I'm expecting someone to bring their attractive, single friend to Wings' Night that just happens to be looking for someone like me? Maybe I am expecting to go to a con and come across some gorgeous cosplayer that moves the ground beneath my feet? I don't know, but I think that if I am serious about wanting to not be alone, then I need to try to find places that are more condusive for me to meet someone. I think I realized something when I was talking to Morgan on Sunday: I'm totally out of my element with otaku. There are so many anime that I have not seen, a few because of lack of interest, but most because I simply have not had access or have been able to have them in the house due to content. I'm just not as into it as most of the people I know. I have my favorites, but I can't recite entire episodes of Evangelion, for example. I just realize that it's not that big a part of my life as it is with others.

I did meet a friend of a friend that came on to me a little bit and even kissed me! But this just couldn't make up for everything else that happened. I think this has made me evaluate all of my relationships. It's made me realize that most of the people I hang out with, even some I think of as friends, will never understand or completely accept me. I really think I scare most of my male friends because of my overt affection for my friends, and frankly, it's my own fault. I think wanting a mate has manifest itself into me being overly-affectionate with my friends, and I think that scares people because they aren't used to someone being like that with them without there being some ulterior motive.

I'm not going to lie, the last few months have been hard for me. Wanting to be loved so badly, then seeing everyone else around me in love and me staying's been absolute torture. I know my time is coming, but I have a harder time believing that it will with each passing day. I just want someone to see me in the light of a significant other, not just as a friend or as a random person. I just feel a part of myself get weaker on the inside whenever I think about how alone I feel. I haven't felt like this in years, and I think I've slipped back into a state I have been in many times during my youth. I'm just afraid that I'll go back into those emotions totally and do something desparate....

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