Wednesday, April 19, 2006
I have really begun to wonder about myself. I hate to complain, but I feel that somehow I've failed myself at some point. I'm not where I want to be right now, and I'm questioning why that is, why I haven't been able to start to accomplish what I really want. I guess I should be glad that I have a job and I don't have a bunch of mess with that job, but I can't help but think that college was a waste of my time. I haven't been able to find a job in the field that I'd gone into, but many people don't do what they went to school for.

I think that, deep down inside, I still haven't figured out what I want to do with myself. I don't know if i should bother trying to get into graphic design, or if I should pursue a different vocation. I feel like the time I spent trying to establish my identity and figure out who I am, I should have been figuring out what I want to do. I tried to do both, but for some reason, I couldn't just start something. Maybe I was afraid that I would lose something or that I would fail, but what was the benefit to holding on to that fear when it hasn't gotten me what I really wanted, even if I don't know what that fear is?

I guess because I'm getting older, I'm starting to get scared that I won't be able to do for myself. I want to be able to support myself. People have been telling me for the longest time to stay at home as long as possible, but there are compelling reasons for me to leave, mostly the fact that my family can't really exist under one roof without tension and drama being present. It's also because I've become exactly what they're afraid I'd be, and I know that once they find out my secret, I'll either be kicked out on my ear or they'll try to "cure" me. People say I should just come out to them and be totally honest, but because of all that happened in my childhood and their tendency to try and fix everything that went wrong 20 years ago, I know there'll be much guilt. That, and I've lived a lie for the last few years. This is the reason why I've had to keep my friends and my family separate, and why I feel that I'm betraying them, knowing that I can't give them the future that they expect and that I am something that I know they hate. My mother even told me that was her biggest fear about me, and that she knows that it could never be possible.

What do you do when your living your mother's worst nightmare?

What do you do when you start to feel like it's becoming your nightmare?

I've already talked about how I don't want to like anyone else. I've said it before, but I feel like it's caused me more pain than I can really stand. I've felt rejected, I've felt like I'm just chasing my tail, and as much as I want to give up wanting, I can't. I'm serious when I say that I don't want to like anyone else. I DON'T WANT TO LIKE ANYONE!!!! I don't want to long for it anymore. I've had my heart stomped on too many times, and I feel like I'm seen as inadequate.

I don't want to take a chance on anyone else. I don't want to go through it again.

Why do I feel like, if I could somehow stop being attracted to other guys, my life would be simpler? I wouldn't have this feeling that I could be kicked out at any time. I wouldn't be afraid to leave my computer, even though I'm very cautious about it. I wouldn't have to deal with the rejection and the harshness. I know it's not really feasible...

...but I've got to try.

Thursday, August 11, 2005
RANT: Fangirls, Part One

There are people that can take something that actually rules and kill it by making it so trendy that you can't get away from it. I remember when RPGs were cool, or even when cosplaying as a character was something significant. Now, I've forever been poisoned against Final Fantasy X-2 because all the fangirls having kittens over it, as well as every girl under the age of 17 that feel the need to run around as Gunner Yuna (The ACen skit that had 20 of the X-2 girls lipsynching and dancing to the song is forever burned into my corneas). I also remember the days that you could go to Hot Topic and NOT see a bunch of 12-year-olds and their parents. There truly is something disturbing about seeing some middle schooler making her parents buy her bondage pants. See, when I first discovered the store, it was still obscure and still sold Sailormoon stuff (That's also when I first learned about Bettie Paige). It was about seven years ago, at a mall in Atlanta. Now, they're everywhere, and all the little teenyboppers that used to be about Abercrombie (Which is the haven for skinny, bitchy gay boys) are into Hot Topic.

I blame Avril Lavigne...

Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Lately, I've seen the dissolution of several relationships that seemed to be strong and lasting, and it really scares me. Everyone seemed to be so happy just a few months ago; now, it seems like the feelings that blossomed so brightly in the spring light has gone dark as the summer reaches its end. Emotionally, I was caught up in all of the feelings that everyone else had. But, as I reflect on these feelings of loneliness and envy that I once had, I'm relieved that I didn't go running after someone just because I had such a powerful longing. Then I consider my own situation.

Is it realistic to think that I can carry on the type of relationship that I desire while in my current home situation? I know I'd have to be very secretive with my family, and it seems like we already don't trust each other as it is. But I know that I can't be open with them now. I can't tell them the real reason why I have been the way that I have without risking further alienation. It almost seems like it would make my life much easier, but, in all practicality, things would only be thrown further into complication. My mom's already told me that it's her greatest fear, and I've had to lie about it before.

But it seems as if they've known since Anime Central.

There are too many signs that point to "Yes, we know, but don't want to outright tell you". I noticed a change in my family since I came back from that Chicago trip. My mom mentioned something to me about seeking therapy for my "unresolved issues", and my sister didn't talk to me for about a week when I got back. I'm thinking that, if they know, then they may think it's only a phase, or that it's just me acting out from my old childhood trauma. What really convinces me that they know more than they're saying is because I outright say it in a paper that I wrote for a psychology class, but left on the top shelf of my closet. Probably while trying to find computer paper when I was out of town, one of them stumbled across it. Coincidentally, the title of the paper was "An Unresolved Issue"...

I almost want to tell them outright, but if I'm wrong about my suspicions, then I may well risk being thrown into the street, which is what my mother used to tell me she'd do to me if I didn't do what she wanted me to. I think that's why I stayed with the family's religion so long, because I was afraid that if I didn't follow it, I'd be kicked out. But, I don't follow it anymore (Though I think the reason I still have a home is that I haven't done anything that, in their minds, is extreme and that would warrant me getting kicked out, like practicing paganism). My trouble is that I've felt like I've been on thin ice with my family for the last few years. I felt that it was only a matter of time before they gave me the boot. I think that's why I've needed to leave home so badly, but considering the fact that I can't even find part-time work, I don't see that happening anytime soon. I don't want to impose on any of my friends, so I continue to do what I must to get through the day.

Given all of these facts, I've decided to give up on looking for someone right now. I can't afford to get kicked out of my house, and I don't want to bring anyone else into my life when I'd either have to end the relationship or I wouldn't be happy while in it. Until I'm in a place where I wouldn't be risking the roof over my head because of who I love, I have to go a little longer without affection.

One day, I'll be able to have the relationship that I long for, and it will be a lasting one. However, basic necessities trump romance. Besides, I've been homeless before, and I can't fit all of my posessions into an unlockable truck...

Sunday, July 24, 2005
Is it possible to have conditioned yourself so that you equate flirting as trying to scare people?

Is it normal to think that, somehow, you don't deserve affection?

I think I've managed to convince myself that showing affecton is a scare tactic, that no one could ever think of me as more than a friend or just someone creepy. Tonight, I was kinda hitting on someone, and I kept saying that I was only doing it because I was making them "die a little on the inside". Is it that I'm just making myself out to be scary to keep from getting hurt, because I still don't believe that I'm attractive to anyone? I know that's not true, but it seems like I'm slipping back into old defense mechanisms, and I don't want to feel like that. Still, I wish I could just talk to someone without it being a joke, that I could seriously flirt with someone and show them that I like them without me bullying them or having to just play it off as a joke. I think it goes back to me never really being in places where I have actual opportunities to be genuinely romantic and flirty.

But I have to break myself of thinking that I don't deserve affection or to be affectionate. I know that everyone does, and I've never done anything to warrant not having it. I still feel like I'll be the only one left when everyone else is paired off, but I know that feeling will pass.....

I think tonight is a moment of weakness for me. Old feelings have begun to resurface, but I know I can come out on top of my old demons.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005
This morning, I learned something about my nephew that really bothered me, that his mother has been letting him play a copy of Grand Theft Auto that he got from one of his friends. Unsurprisingly, he said he wanted to be a drug dealer, and his stepfather had to have a long talk with him about it. Now, I know he likes to do things to be like other boys, but at 12, he's an impressionable boy and doesn't need to play such games. I don't play stuff like that, and I'm 23!

But what really annoyed me is how i came about finding out about it. My mom and aunt were in my room this morning, and my aunt was complaining about her daughter. My mom then told my aunt what she knew, but turned to me and told me not to say a word. Yeah, like I'm going to run up on my cousin and give her a hard time about letting her son play GTA. So, apparently, that was something I wasn't supposed to know. Frankly, I didn't need to know if it's like that.

I realized something: My family always does this to me. They'll be talking to each other, then tell me something that I'm not supposed to know. Fine, don't bloody tell me, then! In fact, I don't want to hear about anyone's drama, especially family drama. My cousin caused the first 20-odd years of my life to be one big soap opera, and the New York ho (My other cousin, yes I called her a ho) actually drove me away a few years ago because I realized just how much of a controlling harpy my mother could be (More on that later). My mother tells me that I don't need to be involved in my friends' mess, and that's true. But she also told me that I'm supposed to focus on my family instead. Focus on what? Catering to her and my sister and getting involved in the drama of the rest of my extended immediate family? I don't think so! I'm not even supposed to hear about it, so don't say it in front of me. I hate to sound evil, but I only deal with my cousin when I need something, which is her dealings with me, and I go out of my way to avoid my other relatives. My point is, I've already decided I don't need my friends' drama, and I certainly don't need my family's, either. Maybe I sound selfish, but I've got my own life to lead, I frankly don't care to get involved with their conflicts, especially when everything is supposed to be one big secret.

Sunday, July 17, 2005
After really thinking about it, I can honestly say that I'm tired of re-hashing the same drama over and over again. I don't even want to think of it anymore, and I don't really care to discuss the same issues that have been discussed since last year. Many of the people I'm around are so caught up in being self-absorbed and immature that they can't see that there's a great big world out there where other things besides anime, video games and cosplay exist. I don't think it's any of them, though. I think that I've just hit a rut in my life, I can't seem to get myself out of the same cycle, and I'm ready for a change. I think that part of it is that I need to take initiative and make some changes, because I can want others to change all I want to, but unless I'm willing to change, then there's no point. S0 I need to widen out and meet new people, I need to get myself into new social situations and make some new friends who aren't into all of the same things as most of the people I deal with.

I think it's partially that I find myself changing. Truth be told, I've never really been heavily into the same things as most of the people I'm around. I like anime, but I don't have any series where I'm a diehard fanatic, and I don't really have much. I like games, but am not willing to shell out a bunch of money on a new system when I have eight others that don't get my attention. And I like to cosplay, but money issues and the fact that I don't go to cons often kinda keep me from being too in to that. I'm just looking for something new, but that's what most of the people I hang out with are into, so it's hard to figure out what to do that's different. I'd love to check out plays, go to different social events, or even take up a new skill like a martial art or acting (Not such a new one, but I never felt like I really did much in theatre in high school despite being in two plays senior year). I'd love to travel to different locations or go to events that aren't conventions. I want to break out of my shell, but how do I? How can I break from the ordinary and expand my horizons??

I think it's also that I just never really felt like I fit in anywhere. From the time I was young, there was always something about me that was different from others, even if it wasn't a major difference. Even now, I'm starting to feel like people don't really understand me and that, somehow, they see me at this surface level. Since ACen, my entire personality has changed. I'm nowhere near as affectionate as I used to be with people. I used to love to hug and glomp on people, but now....I'm not so willing to be that way because I felt that those actions should be saved for someone that feels the same way about me. I think all the affection I used to show was a displacement for me not having someone special in my life. I'd always wanted someone, but for some reason, I just lost a hold of myself and started being overly affectionate with everyone to compensate, even though people often weren't comfortable with me (And I still don't feel like they are, truthfully). I think one reason I don't fit in is because, in all the circles that I'm in, there are no other people my own race, and that's not necessarily a good thing. I think that none of my friends can really understand what I've been through as far as being African-American. I don't think they can ever know what it's like to have to go through some of what I've been through because of racism and prejudice. But I'm not trying to say that no one else has ever been through anything, because I'm not that presumptuous. It's just that they can't know what my experience has been because of my most apparent genetic qualities. My mom tried to psychoanalyze me a few months back because I told her this, but she didn't understand that it was never my intention, that's just how things happened. It wasn't like I tried to avoid making friends of my own race, but the people that befriended me and had the similar interests happened to be of different etnicities than myself. I don't go out of my way to avoid making friends with other Black people, I just don't know of too many that like the same things I like and aren't on this trip of a certain level of "blackness" that has to be upheld.

I think that something else that people don't quite grasp is the fact that I like other guys. They can't understand that I am not into girls and that having me go out to flirt with girls, or "hooking me up with some p***y" are not things I really need. I know some of my friends mean well, and don't quite grasp the concept that there are people that are attracted to the same gender (One in particular is very religious and has only recently been around other people outside his family and church). But it kinda bothers me when people are always joking about how I'm going to jump them. I don't like every guy I come across, and I certainly wouldn't get with any of the Michigan Cosplayers because, frankly, most of them are trolls. I don't want someone that's socially inept and unwashed, and I kinda don't go for fanboys. I also don't want to go after someone that I know I can't have, but that's beside the point. I just don't want to be seen as this clingy person that falls in love with anyone with a certain level of testosterone in their system. But I've discussed this ad nauseum, so...

Friday, July 15, 2005
I've been talking to someone that I met at Anime Central, one bright spot that weekend that I'd been too caught up in self-misery to realize. The one with the sexy face, pretty eyes, and that kiss with enough electricity to light up Vegas for a thousand nights! Well, it turns out that the situation's changed, and I'm really looking forward to our next convention together. We may live far apart, but I'm sure that when we see each other, it'll be like we were only apart for a day.

I didn't realize it, but I'm finally over my old crushes. Yeah, I still think one is cute, and the other, well, I still I'm sure we can get back to being friends, but with this guy, there's now something there that wasn't before: a mutual attraction. He actually said he liked me before I said anything, and even made the first move on me! So, am I to sit there pining for someone that doesn't like me, or flirt and, eventually, spend time with someone that does? The answer's simple!

I'm not going to fall hard, and I'm not exactly looking into where we'd adopt kids. I'm still going to stay single for a while, and I'm not going to start parading this around for everyone to see. But if I wind up in Illinois because of work, then I'll definitely call him up for dinner.....

Sunday, May 29, 2005
To the one who had my heart, I have been trying to get over you, but I needed to speak to you about what happened. I have tried to tell myself that I had to save my dignity and not discuss what happened anymore. I told you how I really felt, and you already knew...but you decided that you didn't want to give us a chance, that you had too many people on your mind then. I wish you'd told me before I made such a fool over you, when I didn't think you even knew what was in my heart. Then, to see you go on like nothing happened hurt me, because I was too concerned with ruining out friendship to ever bring it up. But, I want to let you know of a few things. Number one, I could barely deal with seeing you two together. Two nights after you turned me away, I saw you and him together at the coffee house, you hanging on to his every word. It was like a burning dagger had gone through my soul because I saw how you'd felt about him, how strong your feelings were for him and how I'd felt the same way about you. I saw it every time you two were together, and that was the first time I felt my heart shatter into a thousand shards because of it. I wanted to get to the freeway and let the tears wash away my pain that night. Since then, it hasn't been the same seeing you. I'm reminded of how you long for an impossible love, just like I did. I know he'll never go for you. He'll never treat you the way I could have because his heart will never be yours. In a way, I feel pain for you because I know that you'll either never reveal your true feelings to him, or if you do, he would turn you away.

To my other lost beloved, you are still young and inexperienced with life. I believed that there was something between you and I, but what I saw as a special connection was merely friendship. I wanted to badly for you to like me that I didn't think that you wouldn't be ready for a relationship. But I realized that I have to let you live your life. I can't hold you down and expect you to commit to me, especially with the uncanny situation that we are both in. I still feel strongly for you, but I cannot expect you to feel the same about me, no matter how powerful my feelings are.

To the both of you, I have to keep you out of my heart. I want to be friends with you, but I can no longer risk feeling for something for you when there is nothing there. It would be useless for me to keep longing for either of you, because I don't want to go through the same situation, to love and never have that love returned. I have to keep you at arms length now because I have to protect myself.

I don't know if I will ever be loved, or if I can ever love again. I don't know if there really is someone out there that will want me. I have to believe that there is, but after what happened, my belief is dying. I feel a part of myself slipping away, and I don't know if I can ever get back the faith I had in love.

Once again, I have to carry on. But how long before I finally fall apart???

Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Again, I write my feelings down in my blog, where I know that no one will accuse me of being emo because my last few LJ posts have been less than upbeat. I think it's safe to say that one of my goals for Anime Central was not attained. It was because, for most of the weekend, no one tried to hit on me. I mean, I was surrounded by about 12,000 people, and not one of them tried to talk to me. I figured that maybe one or two would try and step to me, but no one did. And I've felt absolutely horrid since I came home. Mostly because I was miserable pretty much the entire time I was out of town. In all honesty, it would have been so much better if I had not been surrounded by so many people, many of them attractive and even scantily clad. And I did have some fun; I managed to do things that I never would have done before (Masquerade) and some that have, so far, become my signature (Spicing things up in the yaoi panel). But it all feels empty. All the camera flashes and con swag can't erase the pain that I feel right now. Everyone tells me that I need to be patient, that love will find me once I stop looking for it. But I can't get it out of my head. It haunts me in my dreams, and it kills my mood when I'm awake.

I finally admitted to Chrissy that there are some people in the Wings' Night crew that I find attractive. But I think I've given up hope finding anyone among anime fans. I just don't think I'm what most otaku find attractive. I'm not Asian. I'm not thin. I don't have androgynous features and I don't look good running around completely shirtless. In all other respects, I have plenty to offer anyone that is looking for an honest, affectionate guy, but physically, I just don't make the grade.

Perhaps I'm just not looking in the right places? Maybe it's that I'm expecting someone to bring their attractive, single friend to Wings' Night that just happens to be looking for someone like me? Maybe I am expecting to go to a con and come across some gorgeous cosplayer that moves the ground beneath my feet? I don't know, but I think that if I am serious about wanting to not be alone, then I need to try to find places that are more condusive for me to meet someone. I think I realized something when I was talking to Morgan on Sunday: I'm totally out of my element with otaku. There are so many anime that I have not seen, a few because of lack of interest, but most because I simply have not had access or have been able to have them in the house due to content. I'm just not as into it as most of the people I know. I have my favorites, but I can't recite entire episodes of Evangelion, for example. I just realize that it's not that big a part of my life as it is with others.

I did meet a friend of a friend that came on to me a little bit and even kissed me! But this just couldn't make up for everything else that happened. I think this has made me evaluate all of my relationships. It's made me realize that most of the people I hang out with, even some I think of as friends, will never understand or completely accept me. I really think I scare most of my male friends because of my overt affection for my friends, and frankly, it's my own fault. I think wanting a mate has manifest itself into me being overly-affectionate with my friends, and I think that scares people because they aren't used to someone being like that with them without there being some ulterior motive.

I'm not going to lie, the last few months have been hard for me. Wanting to be loved so badly, then seeing everyone else around me in love and me staying's been absolute torture. I know my time is coming, but I have a harder time believing that it will with each passing day. I just want someone to see me in the light of a significant other, not just as a friend or as a random person. I just feel a part of myself get weaker on the inside whenever I think about how alone I feel. I haven't felt like this in years, and I think I've slipped back into a state I have been in many times during my youth. I'm just afraid that I'll go back into those emotions totally and do something desparate....

Monday, June 21, 2004
Well, so far, my new job at Toys R Us isn't too bad. I mean, the work's quite physical, but I've had very few complaints. One of the managers made a comment yesterday: "We all should have Leon's energy! I mean, the way he ran those packages up here..." I will admit that I was very well-rested yesterday, despite not really eating a whole heck of a lot. My next shift's Wednesday. Then is when I find out about whether or not I have this Sunday off for JAFAX. And, from there, determines my weekend plans....

Here! Some new quiz results... What Soul Calibur 2 Character Are You? What Color Link Are You?

Current Music: "Diggin' On You" -- TLC

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